Sunday, November 16, 2014

Head & Heart


The other week one of my favourite bloggers started a post with this quote:

What would happen if one woman told the truth about her life? 
The world would split open." - Muriel Rukeyser


That blogger was Eden Riley of Edenland.  She is what we might call a "big blogger" meaning she's been around a while, gained a large audience and been on the telly. She even interviewed the PM, when the PM was a chick.  So you've probably heard of her.  

But if you haven't heard of her make it your business to hear of her.  For she speaketh the truth.  And her truth is radical.  Not radical in the sense of 'Like, rad, dude' (although that too) but radical in the sense that her writing grabs to buy the throat.  And then kicks you in the nuts.  

It makes you think.  No.  Scratch that. Eden Riley doesn't make me think.  Eden Riley makes me feel  And not in the feely feels, like how I tear up at school assembly when the Grade Five band sing Riptide because they are so damn cute and full of promise and optimism and talent and because one day that will be my kid and I promise then I won't be tearing up I will be a freaking bubbling mess and I don't even know why.  What is that feeling?  Love?  Pride?  Joy?  Because if it is those things where does the pain come from? 

No.  Not like that.

No.  Eden Riley makes me feel like....like....like there is no air and no words, probably because she took all the words, only she didn't take the words, she split her heart open and poured those words out, right there in front of me, and that is so confronting and so real, and so vulnerable and so painful and she does it so well.

So often I get to the end of an Edenland post and I'm just like:
*insert picture of gormless, wordless, gape-mouth here*
Kinda like this only if Homer Simpson wasn't a comic genius.
I read Eden's blog for quite a while before I could even comment there, because so often I would get to the comments section and I just had nothing left.  She'd taken it all.  Except she's not a taker, she's a giver.

She's a warrior.

But hey, this wasn't actually supposed to be a goddamn love letter to Eden Riley.  It was supposed to be an attempt to acknowledge what I need to do with my own writing.  What I have always wanted to do.  What I try to do.  But what I mostly feel like I don't quite do.  And that is to write from the heart.  To tell the truth about my life.  To split the world open.  To split myself open and spill it all out on the page.

That was always my intention when I started this blog.  To speak the truth.  And I do do that. I try to be as real and honest as I can. I have no interest in making my life look prettier or more together than anyone else's, that is so not why I am here.

And yet, getting to the real truth is harder than I imagined.  That is why I respect Eden's writing so much, to really tell that truth is not easy.  And it's not for the reasons you might imagine.  It's not because the idea of putting all that out there is scary (although, yes), it's not because the truth is somehow hidden and unknowable (I am getting better at knowing my own truth). 

It's because the truth, the real truth is so hard to articulate.  The real truth is so knowable and yet somehow defies knowing, defies defining, defies words.  Or maybe I just haven't found the right words for me yet.

I am beginning to think I am too much a head person.  So much of my life happens in my head.  How do I tap into the words of the heart?  How do I find the language for that?  And what would happen if I did?  Would the world really split open?

Or would I just split myself apart only to find a husk, dry and dusty.  Because who am I?  Who am I to believe I have anything worth sharing, anything heartfelt, anything of value?  I am just a somewhat invisible, 40 year old, mother of two who has enough of everything to not need anything who occupies this space like a billion others with nothing unique or interesting to say.

And all that is true.  And all that is okay.

But there is another truth too.  A truth that I have to hold on to.  A truth I have to trust.  And that truth is that I have seen the universe inside myself.  I know it is there.  The vastness of the ocean, and the power of it too.  A wisdom that perhaps I tap into all too infrequently.  And love, so much love.  All that is within me.  The still, vast depths beneath the rip.

It's there within all of us, I know that.  I just have to work out how to say so.

Do you find it easy to get to the heart of things?

Listen to Vance Joy Riptide

Images Licensed Under Creative Commons

21 comments:

  1. Beautiful post Kate. Edenland is full of power because it is raw strength, love, power and deliciously good honest writing. This is too. 'I promise then I won't be tearing up I will be a freaking bubbling mess and I don't even know why. What is that feeling? Love? Pride? Joy? Because if it is those things where does the pain come from?' (at school this happens to me all the time and the only thing I can point to is it's about ones own potential seen through the eyes of those who don't even know what potential is yet.) Can't wait for the next installment of Kate's universe wide open.

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    1. Gosh, thanks Kristian. And I am really looking forward to following your journey too! x

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  2. Freaking beautiful Kate! "the vast depths beneath the rip".... girl you are BAAAAACK! And I want to read more!
    (fyi... i tear up at assemblies when other people's children perform too... what is that?!)
    Loving your work.

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    1. Wow. Thanks Rach (means a lot from you). And totally. What is that?!

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  3. Kate! Kate. I love this post. I love how inspired you are by Eden's words, me too. So much.
    You also have a lot in you, lady. Don't believe the invisible bullshit. You are not invisible. One Small Life can be a place for you to become more and more visible, if you choose to let it be.
    Like you said, within you there's so much, there's everything.... I'm not very articulate today, TAKE COURAGE! Love your words, your intention, your coming back to the keyboard.

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    1. Big thanks Annette. I really, really appreciate your comment and your support. Really. Did I say that already? Do you think Eden knows that impact she is having? Like really knows? Hope so. x

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  4. So, I started reading this in bed as I woke up this Sunday morning and it made me get up to search for a quote. I've been trawling through my Pinterest (it's on there somewhere), can't find it but it's something along the lines of, 'just consider this, the world would be completely different if you didn't exist' and it would, we all have our significance and impact on others in ways we will probably never know.

    This is writing, Beautiful writing from the heart. This post made me feel, I was inspired and riled up to do something. I think you are absolutely right, something is really art if it makes you feel in response. My test for music is if it make me feel, if it does then it is music, if not then it's just noise. I loved this Kate. Write from this place, your words read as if they are from your heart.

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    1. Thank-you Naomi, This means a lot coming from you as I really admire your writing, your honesty. I'm thrilled that this had an impact, made you feel, got you thinking, got you out of bed (well actually I'm a little sorry about that bit!). I'm going to keep trying, keep pushing because if not, then what? Thanks for taking the time to comment here Naomi. It means a lot to me. x

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  5. What a great post Kate, and I know what you mean by how hard it can be to articulate the truth. Keep going, keep writing, and I'm glad to see you back posting. Man, I tear up at lots of things these days - kids doing brave things at the park - not just climbing a big fort or something, but working up the courage to go play with other kids they don't know, but would really like to. That gets me every time. Isn't that really all of us? All wanting to connect? All wanting to speak our truths to others? Go well x

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    1. Thanks so much Pia. It's amazing to me that we all have this connection, this depth, that is shared. Not just in the sense that we all experience it, but literally that we are all sharing, we are all connected. Nothing reveals this more than sitting in silent meditation with a group of strangers. Which is weird, because how can you feel so connected to people that you don't know, and aren't talking to, right? But with everything else stripped away all we have is our humanity. It's like all the other stuff gets in the way. The language, the stories we tell. And yet? And yet? I feel so drawn to try and articulate. Thanks for commenting. x

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  6. I don't have to tell you that I love Eden & her writing, I think most of us do. She is jarring & funny & real & broken & together & inspiring. The lady can WRITE! But just because you are finding it hard to get to your heart words now doesn't mean it will be like that always. Just keep tapping them out. This seems straight from the heart to me. It feels honest & true & real. I like all things things. They are good things.
    I'm lucky that my heart & my mouth are connected. I have never had trouble expressing how I feel or saying what I think. It's not always a good thing. Sometimes I should be more guarded but I just don't know how to be. We all got stuff to learn & space to grow. I like that. x

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    1. Yeah, lady can write!
      Your comment resonates so very much with me Reannon, when you say your head and heart are connected, I love that. I am so not like that. It is such a familiar feeling in my life (not just my writing) to have this heart voice screaming inside me, I know what it wants to say. But I can't get my head to say it, I can't get the words out. You say it's not always a good thing, to be led my your heart, but I know for sure it can't be a bad thing, and it's certainly a thing I need to learn how to do. Maybe, slowly I will get there. Thank-you so much for your comment. x

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  7. Oh you beautiful, beautiful woman. Thank you so much ... I feel honoured, and humbled. I haven't written much lately because all I got is pain and who wants to read about pain? Not me. The overcoming of pain ... the triumph of life in spite if it all, THATS what I want to write, want to read. Thank you so, so much.

    Please keep writing. You are true and real and we need to hear your voice xxxxxx Eden with a big E

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    1. Eden, I will read about whatever it is you want to write about, pain, suffering, triumph, laughter, silliness, love. Or I'll just watch you sing the Decore jingle. You know. Whatevs. Because your writing really is like a punch in the face (in the best possible way). I can't get enough. And it makes me want to write better. Thanks so much for taking the time to leave such a beautiful comment here (and for not thinking this post is creepy). x

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  8. OF it all. Typos make baby Jesus cry xxx

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  9. I struggle to write the words for my comment for your post. It touched me, I feel like I know you just a bit more, it's inspiring, to speak our own truth, to struggle with the words, the why. The wonder of the connection we sometimes feel with other's words. I'm glad you're writing again. Thanks for sharing xx

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    1. Thank-you so much Emily. This means a lot. It is a struggle sometimes, but I think it's an important process. And I really appreciate your support in it (your blog is very inspiring in that way too!) x

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  10. Really good stuff. The ability to write is such a powerful gift. I am inspired by eden too :)

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